Once upon a time I was asked to cook a pot roast for my family.
I was shocked at said request because I hate cooking, I hate talking about it, I hate doing it, why cook when you can have someone else do it for you? Besides… I didn’t even know what animal a pot roast came from. To me a pot roast took me back to high school and college… and a pipe and a lighter was all that was necessary for our pot roasts.
I enter the grocery store at approximately 1:00 p.m. and strolled my pot roast virgin cooking self over to the meat section. I was two seconds from asking this friendly couple which hunk of red dead animal carcass was the pot roast..but I didn’t. When what to my wondering eyes should appear but a label that said the word “Roast” on it. I didn’t know who Chuck was, but I’m sure he’s a close friend of Pot, so I grabbed it.
There’s Chuck swaddled in garlic, salt, pepper, and some steak seasoning, with some flour. (How do you bang a fat chick?) I saw the word “sear” in the recipe (that I didn’t follow), and knew that it was blasting all sides of the meat at a high temp for like 37 seconds. At this point I wasn’t sure why there was a rope wrapped around the meat, but I just left it (if it ain’t broke…).
2.5 hours simmering in the delectable broth that I had managed to make, it was time to add Mr. Carrott and Mrs. Potato, along with their primary caregiver, Dr. Celery. I quietly whispered into the pot “Have fun in the tub, bastards” and went on to attempt the roux.
Roux…roux…roux…short for Kangaroo? I drained my veggies and Chuck, brought the juices to a boil, simmered, then added the flour and water ever so slooooooowly… so as to avoid clumpage. I did not avoid clumpage, so I decided to strain the clumps out and enjoy a smooth clump-free gravy. All was almost lost when I started to pour the gravy into the strainer and down the sink drain. Oops… I need a bowl I guess! Here is the finished product. Excuse me while I take a bow.
Did you and Chuck get “baked” while the roast got roasted? That would make for quick consumption of said roast. Looks good!
In response to your question, “how do you bang a fat chick?”
It’s an unsurprisingly simple two step process:
1. Insert _____